The Birthday Post That Almost Was

I swear it was just yesterday that Knox turned four.  And the day before that, Miles was four.  And now my littlest - four!  Time keeps rushing right on past, as usual.

The night before Lakey's big day, the boys and I curled up on her bed to talk about her birthday.  It's something I've been doing with Miles and Knox for the last few years.  I recount the moments from each one's actual day of birth and the days leading up to it.  They laugh as I tell them how hard they were kicking me in the stomach or how tired I was because they were taking all my nutrients for themselves.  We get out their birthday books and I add color commentary to all the photographs.  It's the best time for them.  Kids love to be told stories about things they said and did as babies.

This was the first time I'd done it with Lakey on her birthday.  It's tricky because I don't know anything about her birth story to tell.  I don't know if she was born on a sunny day or a cloudy one.  I don't know if she was born in a hospital or in some one's home or otherwise.  Was she a content baby or did she cry a lot?  Was she born with lots of hair or very little?  Was anyone there to hold her close right away?  I have reports that say she weighed less than four pounds when she was found at the gate of the orphanage on July 11th.  Following a brief medical examination, she was assigned a date of birth.  July 8th.  She was wearing a yellow, cotton suit.

I admit.  If I dwell for too long on the above I get emotional.  The hard truth about adoption is that it begins with loss, and Lakey's birthday reminds me.  A mother lost her child, and that is the single, worst thing I can imagine having to endure.  Maybe she chose to walk away, sure.  Perhaps her government or family pressured her to do it, or maybe she felt she couldn't provide but wanted her baby to have a loving family.  No matter the circumstance, it must have been heart wrenching for her to give up her child. 

Lakey also lost something in those first few days of her life.  She lost every tie to her biological family - people of her own bloodline who at the very least might have offered medical history knowledge or insight into her background and ancestry.  Surely there will come a day when Lakey has questions about what makes her, well her.  I'm not sure how I will be able to help her when that day arrives, but I trust that wisdom will come when it needs to.

Lately, I've been thinking about the importance of knowing about the stock from which I come.  I like knowing that I resemble my dad.  I look like him, I lose things like him, and I zone out like him.  Hey, I have a lot of imperfections and it's comforting to know they come from somewhere (love you Dad - I'm certain I gained a few of your best qualities too).  It's also fun to know that my musical ability (however slight), my sweet tooth (as deep as the Marianas trench), and my attention to task related detail resembles my mom. 

But I can't put my finger on why it matters to me.  I mean, it's not imperative that I am able to relate my traits to anyone else in my family.  I would still go on living the same life God has set before me regardless of whether or not I know that my eyes were like my Mema's (so she used to tell me).  Certainly, it's helpful to know what medical issues I might be predisposed to and what not, but as a friend who had cancer once said (and with no family link to it), "I guess family history starts with someone, right?" 

So then, if I decide that these things don't really matter, it must be that it's important to me simply for the reason that I find comfort in knowing I belong. 

We all want to belong - I think it's human nature.  Most people try to find a sense of it by joining a country club, or a political party, or a church.  But I'm not talking about some organization that you can easily join or disjoin.  You only find belonging in those groups as long as you are like-minded, or adhere to a specific doctrine, or pay your dues, or attend a membership class or whatever.  It's conditional.  I am talking about belonging, as in, having a permanent position IN something.  I belong IN the human race, not to some political party or country club.  I belong IN the Body of Christ, not to a religious organization.  I belong IN my family, not because our eyes are all brown or because we all eat cottage cheese under our beans (truth).  I belong here simply because that is where God, the Placer, has placed me.

And that is the truth which leads me out of the initial sadness I feel when I reflect on Lakey's birthday and into the joy and complete celebration of this sweet girl.  I hope it is something that she will hold true in her heart one day too.  Though there is grief on one side of the coin, the other side can be joy because the Placer has grafted her into this family.  Therefore, she belongs here as much as any of the rest of us.

**I meant for this to be an entry to document Lakey's fourth birthday - what she's doing now, what she likes, doesn't like, etc.  Clearly, I got lost in thought.  Another trait I can blame thank my dad for.

Gotcha Lakey: Two Years

It felt like forever between filling out the first adoption application and the day we met Lakey face to face.  The whole process took one year and two weeks, but the two years since then have absolutely flown by.  Time with kids has a funny way of doing that. 

Gotcha Day is more significant to me than Lakey's birthday.  I feel the same way on this day as I do on Miles and Knox's birthdays.  On their birthdays, I remember all the events leading up to the moment I saw each of them for the very first time.  I tell them about those moments and they laugh so much because they love hearing stories about themselves.  I don't have any of those moments to share on Lakey's birthday.  I don't even know exactly when she was born.  But I do have the memories of the day leading up to the moment when I first saw the stone faced little girl wearing a puffy red coat. 

So, I told Lakey about Gotcha Day today, and we looked through the photo book the orphanage had made for her.  I showed her pictures of where she lived, and we talked about how China Popo took care of her until mommy, daddy, and Miles could come for her.  Miles talked about what he remembered about Gotcha Day - the most prominent memory being that Lakey would eat three or four boiled eggs every morning (I think it was really only one or two) and how he would go back to the breakfast buffet over and over for more bacon (this is accurate).  It's really fun to relive our time in China from his perspective.  His memory is remarkable, and I love realizing what things made the biggest impression on a then four year old.

So in commemoration of Gotcha Day, we ate boiled eggs and bacon for dinner.  And later, Lakey thanked God for,

"...Lakey, Mommy, Daddy, Lakey, Knoxxy, Miles, and for food."

Amen.  

something sweet.

Last night after Lakey and I read a book together, I asked her if she wanted to talk to God before she got in bed.  She said yes, and this is what she said,

"God thank you, making me happy."

 

 

Then we sang, Thank You Lord, together at her request and I almost died of joy.

One Year with Lakey

One entire year.

Sometimes I go back and read my posts from China.  Every time I see the pictures from the first day we laid eyes on Shang Guan Ming Jia my heart jumps into my throat.  For the rest of my life she will, in my eyes, be the bravest girl I've ever known.  To remember her standing there in front of me that day, dressed in all her best layers, refusing even a sideways glance in my direction still makes me weep because I know that little 19 month old soul could sense change was coming.  And though it took her several minutes to mull it over, she finally mustered up the fortitude to turn and look me in the eye.  And literally, Lakey never looked back to the ones that brought her to us.

I can barely process it even still.  We are so thankful to God every day for creating this sweet girl and bringing us together.  This has surely been a year we won't forget, and the best is yet to be!

lakey: six months later.

Today marks six months since Lakey became our forever daughter.  And in six months, I have learned some things about her.

She is delicious.  I could eat her up with a spoon.

Give her a snack and you've got a friend for life.

She takes a particular liking to corn on the cob.  It was love at first bite.

She is sometimes bossy and is slightly dramatic.  Her favorite phrase is, "Sit. Right. Here."

PoPo was spot on when she said that Lakey lets you know if something doesn't meet her mind.  I froze solid from this icy glare after I helped myself to a bite of her eggs one morning.  Yikes.

She has an adventurous spirit.

She is a beauty.

She mixes perfectly with her rowdy brothers.

She is loving, and she is loved.

I think she is happy with us so far.

And I am so glad about that, because we are 100% in love with her.

A Different Kind of Mother's Day Poem

Today is Mother's Day, and I praise God for my wonderful mother - Sue Ann Lakey.

I also celebrate being mother to these three wonderful children.  It's hard to believe.  Mother's Day has taken on a new significance for me this year.

Lately I've been thinking about Lakey's birth mother.  There is so much about her that I wish I knew but never will.  It's inevitable that some day Lakey will want to know more about her too.  Maybe it will be some Mother's Day in the future that will trigger the question in her little heart,

Why do I have a mother AND a birth mother?

Moreover, it only seems natural that Lakey might one day struggle with where her identity lies.  With her mother who has raised her and is all she knows, or with a ghost of a woman on the other side of the world who gave her life?

The following is a poem by an unknown author that was printed in the Dear Abby column.  A friend of Jeremy's clipped it and passed it along to us.  I wanted to post it so that I'll always have it.  It might just help Lakey understand better than I'll be able to explain, though I will always do my very best.

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.

Two different lives
shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,
the other became your sun.

The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality
the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent,
the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,
the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
the other dried your tears.

One gave you up -
it was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child
and God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age-old question
Through the years:

Heredity or environment
Which are you the product of?
Neither my darling, neither.
Just two different kinds of love.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers both far and near!

Time's Up

I'm not breaking up with the blog, I just needed some space after a full-on, two week commitment to it while we were in China.  What can I say?  I can be flakey sometimes.

Maternity leave ends for me today.  I am happy to go back to work tomorrow and get into a normal routine again, but I have loved, loved having these 10 weeks at home with Lakey.  She is such a special little girl.  It's hard to put my finger on it, but there is something about her that sends me over the moon.

She is the bravest girl I've ever known.  Her world turned on its end two months ago, and she barely batted an eye.  It really is remarkable to me how quickly and well she has transitioned into our family.  It hasn't been all picnics and cake of course, but compared to the difficulty I was expecting, it has really been a smooth ride for every one.  It just feels like she has been here all along.

A few things about Lakey:

-No time is a bad time to eat.  The girl has a hollow leg.  If I didn't know better, I might say that this is a trait she gained from my side of the family.

-She likes to draw a good laugh out of people - much like her daddy.  She often hits herself over and over in the face and says, "Owie!  Owie!" with a big smile.  She also loves to tuck her head down, chin nestled into her neck, and then cut her eyes up to look at you from underneath her bangs.  It's a hoot!

-She has loosened up a ton since China, but if someone tries to make her smile, she will often purse her lips together to try to keep from an all out, toothy grin.  It's cute.

-SHE IS POTTY TRAINED, Y'ALL!  And I can't take any credit for it.  This is all PoPo's doing.  On Gotcha Day when the orphanage nanny was giving us Lakey's eating and sleeping schedule, she also said that Lakey was potty trained.  I was thinking, "There's no way," and I never gave it another thought while we were in China.  I didn't even ask PoPo about it when we got the chance to meet her.  I didn't want to mess with the stress of being out and about all the time while trying to figure out the clues Lakey may or may not be giving me that she needed to do her business.  Moreover, one day I saw a little Chinese boy about Lakey's age in the park, and his mom put down some kind of paper on the ground and steadied him as he squatted and pooped on it.  Then she rolled it up and threw it away.  Strangely similar to what you see in dog parks and apartments around here.  I'm all about experiencing the life of the locals, but I was not even going there.

But after we got home, I kept thinking about the nanny saying that Lakey was potty trained.  So I started putting her on the toilet before and after naps and randomly in between.  Now, here is where I tell you a very strange story I heard in China about how children are potty trained.  So if you're not up for a few paragraphs of potty talk, I behoove you to excuse yourself.

I only half way believed this story at the time.  In China, they start potty training their children very early, and when it's time the children wear crotchless pants with nothing underneath.  I can verify this because we saw many Chinese children out and about in 30 degree weather, all bundled up of course, but with their bear bums hanging out of their split pants.  Real nice.  The mother or whomever cradles her arms under the child's armpits and starts to whistle, signaling to the child to start feeling the urge to go.  Just there on the ground or wherever - it's totally normal.

Anyway, so after we got settled back at home, I put Lakey on the toilet one day.  She just stared back at me.  Out of curiosity, I started to whistle.  And that little stinker started to pee!  I thought it might just be coincidence, so I did it several more times throughout the day and every time I sat her on the toilet and whistled, she went potty!  Sometimes #1, sometimes #2.  Whatever was necessary.  So I just started doing this for several weeks, and eventually she got to where she would just go without me having to whistle.  And now she will even say, "Poopoo," when she needs to go.  It has by far been the craziest thing I've discovered about Lakey.  So cool!  And one more reason to admire PoPo.  In the updated picture we got of Lakey back in November, she is wearing split pants.  If that means she was being potty trained, then she was only 16 months old at the most and who knows when PoPo started with her?  It's so bizarre to me, but really cool!  Goes to show that kids can learn to do things much earlier than we give them credit for.

-I sing to Lakey every night before bed.  Same songs nearly every night: Amazing Grace, Jesus Loves Me, Something About that Name, Surfer Girl, Over the Rainbow, and Edelweiss.  For ever she has just stared at my lips while I sang and we rocked.  This week she started singing with me.  Not the same tune, but singing.  It is the sweetest.

-I love to watch Miles and Knox with Lakey.  They adore her.  I mean, they are SO proud of her.  They share with her like they have never shared with each other.  She has some kind of power over them or something.  It's so funny.  They argue over who gets to sit by her at dinner, and when she achieves anything new they shower her with praise.  It. Is. Awesome!  Sometimes I am blown away that I get to be the mother of these three.

Last, but not least.  I know that some of you have really been anxious to see how our story plays out because you have adoption in your hearts and minds as well.  I want you to know that I am being totally real when I write this blog.  I promise that I am not sugar coating our experience.  If you are like me, then you want honesty and may even be hoping to hear something negative just so you know how to prepare.

I mentioned that it hasn't been all rosy.  We struggled through some sleep issues in the beginning, and Lakey still struggles with it occasionally.  Whenever Lakey takes her afternoon nap anywhere but at our home in her crib (which is almost never), the next 5-8 nights are HARD.  She will scream anytime I even try to leave her room, and she will also wake up 2-3 times during the night.  Eventually it gets easier, but it is hard to get her to a point where she feels secure again.  And it's hard on me because I'm the only one she wants.  So what I've learned is that we are not really ready to go anywhere that we can't easily be home by nap time.

She is also my shadow, and that gets exhausting.  It's funny because if I just slip away unnoticed, like if she is playing with the boys or something, then she is totally fine.  But if it's just the two of us and I even start to walk into another room she cries and follows me around until I pick her up.

But that is really it.  I mean, that's not much of anything really.  I know parents that have these issues with their biological children, so I'm not even sure it's necessarily anything adoption related.

I wish I had adequate words to write my love for Lakey.  I always struggle to articulate my love for Miles and Knox too, and with Lakey it is no different.  In the deepest, most honest corners of my heart at the beginning of all this, I secretly wondered if the love would be the same since I did not know Lakey before I saw her like I did the boys.  I recently sent out Lakey's announcement.  The front said, "Born In Our Hearts, " and that is the key to understanding why I feel no difference.  God penned the pages of our story and put our three children in our hearts long before we knew any of them.

Logistics makes no difference.


      

Long Overdue

It's been one month since Gotcha.  I can't believe it.  It seemed like we would never get to Gotcha Day to begin with, let alone be a month past it.

Lakey is fitting into our family beautifully.  Discovering the wonder of this little girl has been such a joy!  There is so much to tell about her!

She is so beautiful.

She eats a boiled egg every morning.  Sans yolk.  She spits it right out so I don't even try.  She has eaten everything I have put on her plate so far, and I have given her some things that my boys would totally melt down over (i.e. plain steamed carrots and plain steamed broccoli).  I can tell when something isn't her favorite by the way she gags a little, but she will get almost anything down without any real complaint (though her "all done" sign language hands come up pretty fast on carrots, broccoli, and raspberries).

The day Lakey came to us, she was still taking 3-4 bottles of formula and rice cereal a day even though she was also eating solid food and drinking milk.  I cut the formula and rice cereal after two days while we were still in China because I couldn't see any reason for her to be on it since she was eating and drinking milk so well.  I have kept her on two milk bottles a day, however, as a source of comfort and bonding between us.  She holds her own bottle, but I always hold her while she drinks it.  As she eats, she quietly points to objects around the room and waits for me to say its name.  Today, if you ask her where her nose and eyes are and she can point to them.  It is amazing to me what she seems to understand already.

She can say a few words - mommy, puppy, ball, and doggie.  She can hear a dog barking 5 houses away and it frightens her to death.  So she learned to say puppy (what I call all dogs pretty much) right away.  She can also sign the words more and please.

On the fifth day of being home, Jeremy worked with Lakey on standing up from a sitting position.  She picked it up within minutes, and though she was really wobbly at first, she is doing it like a pro now.  Sometimes she even gets herself all the way to a squatting position just to plop back down on her bottom so that she can do it all over again.

Last week we were finally able to submit all of Lakey's stool samples that we've been collecting.  The lab analyzes it for parasites on all internationally adopted children.  It's one of the grossest things I've done in my life.  Disgusting to infinity!  

We had her first doctors visit the week after we got home, and she made the American charts!  50th percentile on height, and 5th on weight.  She weighs a whopping 21 pounds!

The girl is flexible!  I think gymnastics is in her future.

If ever she had a fear of baths before, there is not a single trace of it today.  In fact, she usually sheds tears when it's time to get out.  She would splash water for an hour if I'd let her.

Lakey loves music.  If she hears a note, she stops and pays attention.

She is completely fine with her daddy now unless she needs consoling (during the night or if she's hurt), and then she wants nothing to do with him.  In fact, even a pat from him can send her spiraling off into the depths of despair.

She is my shadow.  Everywhere I go, she goes.  Bathroom, yep.  Shower, always (she stands outside the glass door and says "Mommy" over and over until I come out).

I put her hair in pigtails much of the time because her bedhead is so frightful and fuzzy in the mornings that it's the only real solution unless I wet it.  

We call her Lakey, Jia-Jia, Jodge, and Jodgy so far.  Once in awhile I even call her Ming Jia in some Chinese tonal accent if I think she's not hearing me.  It sounds very authentic to me, but I'm sure she only looks my way because she thinks I'm nuts.

Everyone in our house is in love with Miss Lakey Ming Jia.  She was well worth the wait!

  

Last Appointment

February 27 was our appointment with the American Consulate.  It was the appointment that determined the dates we would be in China in the first place.  We took all of the paperwork that we've been gathering since we've come to China (medical reports, adoption registration, Lakey's passport, etc.) so that they could process her visa overnight.  We also had to take an oath on behalf of Lakey - right hand raised and all.  I really meant to totally listen and remember the gist of what I was promising this great Land of ours, but in my peripheral vision I was watching Miles climb on top of a rickety playhouse in the kids' area, and my focus was thwarted.  Sorry America.  I'm sure I would have meant whatever it was that came out of my mouth.  I think it was some kind of new immigrant oath that adoptive parents must take for their children.  The same one that all immigrants must take before becoming a U.S. citizen.

Overall, it was uneventful really.  But an important step in the process nonetheless.

Later we went to another really cool park just a ten minute walk from our hotel.  

This park was really cool, but in a different way from some of the other ones we've been to here in China.  This park had karaoke, exercise equipment, and ping pong.

Every time we've told Miles we were headed to a park, he always ended up disappointed when there were never any slides.  A park in China isn't the same as the ones we go to in Grapevine.  But thankfully, after question after question about why there weren't any swings or slides, we came across this place.  And the kids had fun.

Later we meandered down to our hotel pool.

Once Lakey got in she had fun. 

And of course so did Miles, shivers, blue lips, and all. 

Home

So happy to be here.

Even if it is 3:45 a.m. and we're all up eating cereal.  Well, Lakey is upstairs asleep but probably not for  about 15 minutes or so.  Those are the increments of her sleep pattern tonight and why I've made myself a pallet on the floor in her room.

I'm sure it's a new place, new smells - new everything.  Jet lag.  But I can tell she's afraid and doesn't want to be alone.

So we make pallets on the floor.

Tomorrow night it may be the pack n play in our room.  I haven't slept in two days, and this momma doesn't do well on little sleep.

Still, I'm thankful to be home.

And so ready to see my baby boy tomorrow.  I miss him so.

Shamian Island

Yesterday afternoon we went over to Shamian Island.  It's don't think it's a true island.  It's just on the other side of the Pearl River.  Maybe somehow the river winds its way around it or something.  I should Google it I guess.

Anyway, it's beautiful.  It has a European feel with pretty buildings, quiet streets, and a nice garden.  I saw two or three Chinese wedding photo shoots happening while we were on the island.  I can see why; the backdrop is very pretty.

For some reason, I was determined to get a picture of Lakey in line with these school children.  Don't ask.  I don't know why.

She really wasn't wanting to head off to school just yet; she was tense about it I could tell.

Then Lakey heard that little girl telling the caboose to herd the new girl into a straight line, and she started to crumble.

And when the boy actually put his hand on her shoulder, she totally lost it.  I don't know what it was - the stone faced children?  Yeah, I guess that's kind of creepy.

But, she found the umbrella a few minutes later and she calmed down.  Calm enough even to squat and go potty.  At least, I think this is the gesture when she needs to go.  Some things I'm leaving to figure out when I have home field advantage.

Meanwhile, Miles was getting a kick out of riding on the dog.  He was hesitant at first.  Might've had something to do with the large woman coming up in the passing lane.  She looks pretty solid.

Time to get a few winks.  Only two more days before we are bound for the Homeland!